Mitt Romney

If the national election to elect a President came down between Willard "Mitt" Romney and a urine-rusted out fire hydrant, I would vote for the fire hydrant.

Now, there are at last count... 17, Seventeen! Republican and Democratic candidates for the Presidency. Now, if you want to split hairs, there are probably more. I won't split hairs. Any ways, I am gonna go down the line and say what I think would be the most interesting non-governmental activity I could have with each of them for three hours. Just because I am running out of content.

Barack Obama... you know what, I bet that man can sing. I mean, he is a member of a baptist church, and he's got that smooth, deep voice... I think singing corny love songs from the likes of Teddy Pendergrass at a karaoke bar would be pretty cool.

Bill Richardson... Since he is from New Mexico, I would think some ice skating, building a snowman, sledding, and caroling in Detroit would be pretty hilarious. Actually, I think it might be the only time I could ever carol in Detroit, is with a Presidential candidate and an armed escort...

Chris Dodd... he seems kind of fragile, and a little snooty. I dunno... maybe doing some custodial work late at night in an office building with him. As a treat, we could sing Guns 'n Roses songs a capella into the PA system... (if you don't get that, read Fark more often).

Dennis Kucinich... there really is no debate here. We would road-trip down Nevada state route 375, from Warm Springs to Hiko, and back. It's funny, because he claims to have seen a UFO. Oh, just wiki the state route, already!

Hillary Clinton... three hours volunteering at a soup kitchen. I don't think her elitist, pseudo-socialist little hypocrite brain could handle that much time with genuine volunteers and actual poor people. I am betting she gets an aneurysm in the first forty five minutes.

Joe Biden... I think Joe Biden and I would get along. I think watching a professional football game over beer and pretzels would be fun with him...

John Edwards... I don't think he's a bad guy, but I don't think we would get along. Still, I think he's all right. I bet he would do fine at a soup kitchen. Uh, I dunno, I bet he would be fine doing a walk for cancer research. I'm sure he would be up for it.

Mike Gravel... I honestly don't know that much about the man. He's from Alaska... maybe he, Chud, and I could go on a moose-hunt... with Gravel as the bait. It's an inside joke.

Alan Keyes... he's a weirdo. No, really, it takes a weirdo to know a weirdo, and let me tell you, Alan Keyes is a weirdo. Still, I think dropping in on a municipal opera in like, Skokie, Illinois, and having him sing all the tenor parts of "Der FLiedermaus" (He is a trained opera singer) While I handled the lighting would probably be the safest and least surreal experiences with Alan Keyes I can imagine.

Duncan Hunter... the man likes his guns. I think a three hour hunting outing with him is the only thing that would interest the man. Thank god he isn't Dick Cheney, though.

Fred Thompson... oh, come on! You KNOW, you just KNOW that I would be all over doing a script reading from "Law and Order", yo. I would be Sam Waterston's character Jack McCoy. Maybe he could convince his wife to play Elisabeth Röhm's character...

John McCain... I bet he likes pancakes. That is to say, I have no bloody idea what I would do with the man for three hours. Maybe another football game...

Mike Huckabee... Laser tag.

Mitt Romney... this little slick intellectual journeyman is the Hillary to the Republican party. I bet he couldn't go thirty five minutes in a soup kitchen.

Ron Paul... A game of monopoly, yo.

Rudy Giuliani... I bet the man knows how to make a mean Bolognese sauce. Oooh, or maybe a chicken cacciatore... any how, I bet cooking a meal with him would be an experience...

Tom Tancredo... I dunno, I guess he might enjoy a game of global thermonuclear war...