Geena Davis

Rent Cutthroat Island.

All right, pirates. For some reason, pirates are some kind of an in-joke amongst my peers. I don't get it, even though I play along. Indeed, I made a pirate comments on ESC's new and improved super blog. However, I am paying lip service to the cult of "Yarr!".

I mean, don't get me wrong. I loved "Monkey Island" and Johnny Depp was great fun, although I must say I am partial to Ms. Davis' portrayal of a swashbuckler. However, as a fan of history, I know that piracy and simply being a mariner is not all booty and wench chasing.

Ok, imagine that you are a coastal citizen in the 18th century. One day, while asleep in your bed, soldiers barge in, and abscond with you to a ship. You have just been "impressed". A few months at sea have changed you. You now have scurvy, a disease that could be avoided with a few oranges. Death will be slow, painful, and anonymous.

Or, let's say you chose to become a pirate. Chances are you are not the most educated or refined individual ever to walk the earth, so all of your hard work in acquiring your ill-gotten goods can only be redeemed in the most base of acquisitions. Wenches, wine, and whatever else is purely carnal in the 18th century. So what does that get you? Syphillis, liver cirrhosis, and god knows what else.

Ugh. All in all, I would rather be an arms merchant in 1980s africa.