Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies, in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children.
- President Dwight D. Eisenhower

Monday, June 08, 2009

Samantha Bee

She is an asshole.

Samantha Bee gained marginal fame on "The Daily Show" as a "Chief (whatever) Correspondent". Any way, she is trying to turn that fame into cash through commercial endorsements. So, what? That's what entertainers are supposed to do, right? How does this make her an asshole?

She tried to make me eat shit.

See, whats she is dong nowadays is going about the country to "Hidden Valleys", some of them towns, some of them golf courses, and feeding people Kraft ranch. Obviously, since these are commercial messages, the people of the Hidden Valleys all love Kraft ranch dressing. No big surprise, and the whole "Hidden Valley" connection is a sideways swipe at the leader of the ranch dressing market. It seems clever enough for an entertainer's endorsement, right? Well... there's just one small problem.

Kraft ranch dressing tastes like shit. It is what I would feed terror suspects if I wanted them to suffer. I would shake a bottle in their face, and the motherfuckers would strap themselves down and throw water on their faces.

Samantha Bee, if you ever read this, let me be absolutely clear. I hope you get lost in the wilderness and break your leg. I hope that you have to drag yourself and your necrotic, gangrenous limb through thick brush for days. I hope that when you do find a clearing, it is populated by a pack of starving wolves, and that the last thing that goes through your mind while they are tearing at your flesh is, "someone thought this was a just punishment for my sins".

I hope all of that happens, because you tried to make me eat shit.

4 comments:

Kimber said...

um.. okay.. so Hidden Valley for you then?

kay zee said...

hahaha not harsh at all

cassdawn said...

hmmm - kim, i think you must be an asshole. just about everything gross i've ever eaten was your fault. yep

Kimber said...

How did I get blamed for this Kraft rant? We only keep the Hidden Valley in my house. And you LIKED that Slim Jim.